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happy new year!
i feel like i've been hit by a train. i've got leg muscles are cramped , my head is still a bit dizzy and my stomach is doing flip flops. in a pathetic atempt to forget , even for one night, about my life i drank 4 beers , one cosmo , 3 coffees and some whine , the whole night long. the cruel part is i woke up to reality today only to have it bite me in the ass. my mom's bf is in the other room and he's saying a lot of crap about me like i'm doing drugs and shit like that. he's drunk , ofcourse. i didn't stay to listen because my legs hurt to much and i know if i listen to him i'll get mad and this time probably do something stupid. last time he was here i kicked him out of the house after i got pissed when i heard him calling my mom a retard (or something along those lines). and we got into this huge fight and he called me a whore and a bitch and that i'm doing drugs and that my dad used to fuck me when i was litle and a whole other bunch of crap. and at one moment i wanted to get a knife from the kitchen and stab the bastard. now , i don't know if i was messed up like this from the begining , if it was in my DNA , or if i got like this along all these years of crap. but one thing is for sure , my mental state is not ok and i need to seeck some help. i'll try to see if i can find some program or something that offers free counseling because i can't afford to go see a psychiatrist. i just need to talk to someone about all my problems and maybe i need to hear someone telling me i'm not completly insane. this was the primal reason i got an LJ account , to write about everything , because i used to feel better after it. now , not even this helps anymore , wich clearly indicates a decrease in my condition. so , yes , i need to get help.
oh , did i mention that 2 days ago one of my neighbours jumped up from his window and later , when i was taking my friend to the airport , a woman had ended up under the wheels of a tram. i seem to see nothing but "great , joyfull" things lately. i don't know why the heck i'm trying to write stories . i should write my own. it would be far better to read for the black humour , sarcastic lovers.
i feel like i've been hit by a train. i've got leg muscles are cramped , my head is still a bit dizzy and my stomach is doing flip flops. in a pathetic atempt to forget , even for one night, about my life i drank 4 beers , one cosmo , 3 coffees and some whine , the whole night long. the cruel part is i woke up to reality today only to have it bite me in the ass. my mom's bf is in the other room and he's saying a lot of crap about me like i'm doing drugs and shit like that. he's drunk , ofcourse. i didn't stay to listen because my legs hurt to much and i know if i listen to him i'll get mad and this time probably do something stupid. last time he was here i kicked him out of the house after i got pissed when i heard him calling my mom a retard (or something along those lines). and we got into this huge fight and he called me a whore and a bitch and that i'm doing drugs and that my dad used to fuck me when i was litle and a whole other bunch of crap. and at one moment i wanted to get a knife from the kitchen and stab the bastard. now , i don't know if i was messed up like this from the begining , if it was in my DNA , or if i got like this along all these years of crap. but one thing is for sure , my mental state is not ok and i need to seeck some help. i'll try to see if i can find some program or something that offers free counseling because i can't afford to go see a psychiatrist. i just need to talk to someone about all my problems and maybe i need to hear someone telling me i'm not completly insane. this was the primal reason i got an LJ account , to write about everything , because i used to feel better after it. now , not even this helps anymore , wich clearly indicates a decrease in my condition. so , yes , i need to get help.
oh , did i mention that 2 days ago one of my neighbours jumped up from his window and later , when i was taking my friend to the airport , a woman had ended up under the wheels of a tram. i seem to see nothing but "great , joyfull" things lately. i don't know why the heck i'm trying to write stories . i should write my own. it would be far better to read for the black humour , sarcastic lovers.
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